Dwight Schrute Explains The Seven Sermons to the Dead (Extended Schrute Cut)
"If this sounds weird, it’s because your soul isn’t trained. Let me till your metaphysical soil before you embarrass yourself in front of eternal beings."
Welcome back to Schrute Seminary. In this extended edition, we dive deeper into Carl Jung’s mystical, pre-Reddit metaphysics, The Seven Sermons to the Dead. This time, with more fire, more daemons, and more beet metaphors than OSHA would approve. Let’s cultivate consciousness—Schrute-style.
SERMO I: The Pleroma and the Principle of Distinctiveness
THE DEAD: “We returned from Jerusalem. Found no answers. We are spiritually congested.”
DWIGHT: “Of course you are. You’re treating metaphysics like a buffet. That’s why I’m here.”
First, understand the Pleroma. It is the cosmic compost heap—everything and nothing. Full and empty. It is all opposites, reconciled. You think that’s confusing? Try labeling every beet on Schrute Farms individually. It cannot be done.
The Pleroma is where thinking ends. You can’t be *in* the Pleroma and still be a person. Just like you can’t attend a staff meeting and retain sanity.
Now enter Creatura: That’s us. Defined. Distinct. Blessed with boundaries like cubicles but existential. We are built from opposites—hot vs. cold, strength vs. weakness, Mose vs. basic hygiene.
If we stop making distinctions, we dissolve into sameness. And sameness? That’s what happens when Creed designs the dress code. It is annihilation via beige. No thank you.
Takeaway (Schrute-style):
“Distinction is survival. Be you. Fully. Weirdly. Or become cosmic compost.”
SERMO II: God, Devil, and the Manager Above All
THE DEAD: “Where is God? Is He outsourced?”
DWIGHT: “God lives. But not in your newsletter spirituality. He lives in distinction, effectiveness, and paper quotas.”
God is a force. Productive. Full of life. Like a spreadsheet that populates itself. Yet even God is Creatura. Why? Because He has qualities. He is distinct from the Pleroma. You can pray to Him, but He won’t file your tax receipts.
The Devil? Also real. He is entropy. Chaos. Leftover office pizza. And together with God, he forms the first binary of existence: fullness and emptiness.
But even above them exists something more powerful—Abraxas.
- Not a manager. A force of raw effect.
- He births truth and lies, creation and destruction—in one step. Like creating a new folder named "order" and accidentally deleting your drive.
- He is not safe. He is not tame. He is the reason your toaster caught fire during a full moon.
“Abraxas is the goat on fire riding a lightning bolt of karma. Fear him. Study him. But do not friend him on Facebook.”
SERMO III: Abraxas and the Union of Opposites
THE DEAD: “Abraxas frightens us. What should we do?”
DWIGHT: “Good. Fear is the beginning of wisdom. Also the beginning of every Schrute date.”
Abraxas isn’t just powerful—he is total power. He doesn’t oppose good or evil; he produces both. He is the field that grows the beet and the worm that eats it.
To look directly at Abraxas is to go mad. To understand him is to forget language. To worship him is to vanish from existence... possibly into a jar of pickled eggs.
Abraxas is why every gift from the sun carries a curse. Every office promotion includes a secret stapler jam.
Schrute Proverb:
“Pray for strength, and Abraxas gives you war. Pray for peace, and he gives you a committee.”
SERMO IV: The Multiplicity of Gods
THE DEAD: “So there’s more than just God and Abraxas?”
DWIGHT: “Yes. If you think divinity ends at two, you haven’t read any of Angela’s wedding blogs.”
- Eros: Passion. Chaos. Melting butter on a power outage. The reason Jan bought that candle line.
- Tree of Life: Stability. Slow growth. Endless spreadsheets of beet lineage.
And beyond them? Infinite gods. Each star is one. Each void between stars? A devil. Together, they form the celestial network of spiritual bureaucracy.
The Sun (Helios): Radiance, life, the face of God.
The Devil: Breaks locks, opens doors, ruins potlucks.
Moral Summary:
“If you boil everything down to one god, you erase the nuance. That’s how you get Creed as CEO.”
SERMO V: The Daemonic Union of Spirit and Flesh
THE DEAD: “What about the sacred and the sensual?”
DWIGHT: “You mean Spirit and Phallos? Buckle in.”
Spirit is the Celestial Mother—high, vast, non-physical. She inspires poems, dreams, and overly sincere Instagram captions.
Phallos is the embodiment of physical force—life, danger, and barn fires. He doesn’t whisper. He bellows.
They are not mere archetypes. They are daemons, and they live through you, in you, sometimes as you. Like Mose when he channels the wind.
| 🔥 Singleness | 🌾 Communion |
|---|---|
| Focus, clarity | Survival, grounding |
| Intensity, vision | Warmth, belonging |
Without balance, you get chaos. Merge these forces improperly, and you produce... Creed.
SERMO VI: Of the Bird and the Serpent
THE DEAD: “And what of the beings inside us?”
DWIGHT: “You mean the White Bird and the Serpent? They rent space in your soul. And they are not tidy roommates.”
The Serpent is sexual, primal, base. It coils in nostalgia, instinct, and spicy regrets. She is temptation, glitter, and Craigslist.
The White Bird is spiritual, silent, idealistic. It delivers insights from ancient ancestors and random YouTube meditation ads.
| 🐍 Serpent | 🕊️ Bird |
|---|---|
| Pulls downward | Lifts upward |
| Desire, possession | Clarity, solitude |
| Past | Future |
Reject one, and you become incomplete. Embrace only the bird, and you float away like Kevin’s resolutions. Embrace only the serpent, and you become the office scandal.
“Balance or breakdown. Your soul is the battleground. Fight smart.”
SERMO VII: You Are the Gateway
THE DEAD: “So what are we really?”
DWIGHT: “You are the threshold. Between gods and beasts. Between beet and jam.”
Man is not the destination. Man is the door. Through you passes the light and the darkness. The daemons. The star-fire of Helios and the trickery of the Devil.
Within each of us is a Star. Not celebrity. Not horoscope. But a divine beacon—your personal god, guiding your journey. Prayer nourishes that star. It doesn’t make you special. It makes you you.
“Do not look to Abraxas for instructions. Look to your star. Then act. Like a Schrute at dawn.”
FINAL WORDS
THE DEAD: “We understand. Sort of. Thank you.”
DWIGHT: “You’re welcome. Now go. The universe is a battlefield. And it needs more competent warriors.”
End of extended sermons. Reviewed by the Elders of Schrute Farms. Certified in goat blood and mystery ink.
